i’m not strong. i tried to be, because i had to
Four years ago, I had my depression at the very young age. I was twelve when my mother passed away. I had never shown my vulnerable side to my family until that day. Years later, I am still in the healing stage, and it doesn’t feel like I have fully healed yet.
“You’re so strong and brave.” As someone who frequently gets praised for being strong, those words have become my motivation to keep going and surviving.
I don’t know if I am running to get lost or running to get found.
I have faced so many challenges and obstacles on my own, but I feel like I’m only doing it just to survive and not to fulfill my dreams and goals.
Instead of enjoying at a young age, I felt like I need to keep in my mind that I’m living by myself. Although my father sustains my needs and wants, it’s still hard to live on your own and fight your own battles with no one else.
Where will I run to when I am the one that everyone runs to?
When I was in my elementary days, I used to care about peoples’ opinions about me. Having the fear of judgements and getting backlash, I used to fight back just to protect myself from those who created a bad image of me. Sometimes, even if I’m the one at fault, I will still insist to myself that I am right. But as I grew older, I realized that it will not benefit me in my daily life. It will just cause emotional distress.
Honestly, I have never had a friend who supports me emotionally. Because most of the time, I always get to meet with someone who is only there for my convenience, but not emotionally supportive. Even though I was scared to admit this reality to myself, I still had to acknowledge it. Because no one else will understand the situation; only I can understand every small detail of it.
People are just like flowers. They won’t be there for so long because they will still choose to live with their brightest lives.
Talking about friendship, not everyone actually stays. Some people stay, while others leave. I believe that every people needs someone who can provide their emotional support. The feeling of having your another depression episode, the longing for someone to whom you can pour out your heart.
There are people who will listen but not try to understand, although it’s not their responsibility to accompany you. The feeling of not getting the same treatment from your loved ones is the most heartbreaking part. Sometimes, the people who should be the last to scar us are the first to do so.
When all I want is to receive a fair treatment. Some words I say are the words I wish I could hear as well. Sometimes, you realize how comforting it is to have someone like yourself, right?
Sometimes when I feel mad, I don’t understand the reason behind it. I just get mad for no reason. Then I will find myself crying in the corner of my room, asking myself, why am I afraid to express my feelings?
I grew up without learning how to express my concerns, feelings, and emotions, which should be taught during my childhood. I always keep my words in silence. However, as I grew older, I started to become afraid that I might not handle situations well someday.
“It wasn’t your fault that you loved so deeply. It’s just that not everybody knows how to meet you at those depths.”
“You’re so strong.” I’m not strong. I tried to be, because I had no one else, but myself. Those are the words I wish I could say every time people tend to say that. There are many fears, thoughts, and questions that have been burning on my mind every single day. I’ve even prayed, wishing that I could overcome all of these doubts.
As I turned fourteen, I began to feel more mature and decided to change my lifestyle from what it is used to be. In my entire life, I learned different kinds of pain. I started focusing on myself and took advantage of the pandemic to improve my critical thinking skills. I explored new hobbies to distract myself so I could lessen my device usage, such as going to the gym, etc.
I even read self-help books, which helped me improve and supported me emotionally & mentally throughout the years. It wasn’t easy, but for me, everything was worth it. I learned that not everything goes our way. Everything that has been stuck inside of you for so many years will gradually vanish without you even realizing it.
It feels like God has been with me through my joys and sorrows, watching me grow and set goals. He always find solutions. Receiving those solutions has shaped me into who I am today. But always rest assured, that God does not give problems that is beyond our capabilities. Small or big, God will always find solutions and support you in your journey.
I am grateful that I begin to see more of God’s work and countless reasons. With Him, I found a thousand reasons to fight back and to survive in this cruel world.
In my experience, life has taught me that everything really happens for a reason. Being happy is not about being perfect. You can be happy but still get sad or worried sometimes. However, we cannot predict of what will happen today, tomorrow, next week, next year, or even decades from now.
We can’t really avoid life’s blows no matter what we do, no matter where we go. Yet, it’s that small hope that if we do, we’ll know when and where to protect ourselves from risks. But having a sneek-peak into our future would deter our courage from working hard to achieve it.
I have learned that everything can really feel impossible, even the simplest things in life. But don’t give up on your dreams just because they seem impossible; after all, they aren’t supposed to be easy anyway.
You deserve a love that will fight for you everyday. You deserve to feel understood, supported, and cared. You don’t need many people to be with you.
Be so full of love that you’ll never run out of it. Be so full of peace that even if somebody tries to take it away from you, you can still give more. You just have to learn to love yourself, and you’ll get used to it.
We’re still too young to experience this kind of pain, so don’t be held back by those unsaid apologies. Life will still go on anyway.
To every people in this world,
May our wishes and prayers lead us to peace of mind, and may the misadventures we’ve had remind us that we are alive. God is proud of you for who you are right now.
“ Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” — Mark 11:24
🤍, herwingswrite
